War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles

Rating:
Category:	Books
Genre:	Religion & Spirituality
Author:	Paul David Tripp

This past summer, the gals in our church decided to read and discuss a book together. We chose War of Words, by Paul David Tripp. The book is divided into 3 main sections, so we met three times throughout the summer break to discuss a section each time. I’ve already written about my thoughts on the first part of the book, which bothered me both because of how he supported his point, but also because of how he overstated his position. However, I thought the rest of his book was not only better written (although he continued to persist in aiming in one direction while continually pointing to another), but he also had a lot of really good things to say. (In other words, it's a good thing I was reading this book in a group because if I was reading it on my own, I probably would have chucked it a few chapters in. But having to meet with other folks to discuss the rest of the book kept me plugging on through.)

Let me first address my biggest pet peeve with this book before I get on to acknowledging several of the excellent things he said. The book is titled the War of Words because the goal is to teach Christians, in particular, how to speak in a way that reflects the loving, forgiving, gracious character of God. So obviously, Tripp's focus was on what people say to one another. But he repeatedly said things such as:

"...it is important to recognize that the war of words is actually the fruit of a greater, more fundamental war. This is the war of wars; it is what life is about." (p. 37)

"Like all wars, this war is for control. It is a war for our hearts." (p. 39)

"...a life of godly communication is rooted in a personal recognition of the sovereignty of God." (p. 69)

"The war of words is, at bottom, a war for sovereignty." - page 69

In other words, the heart of the matter isn't our words at all, but the heart (or attitude) that our words spring up out of. I feel like Tripp is pointing me in one direction ("focus on the conversation" - "the words are the issue") and then he keeps redirecting me toward the "heart of the matter" which is our attitudes and beliefs. I suppose an analogy would be if a doctor wrote a book on the "War of the Cough" and then repeatedly said throughout the book that the cough wasn't the essential core of the problem but the cold that caused it. If that's the case, then why not focus on the cold throughout the book and address the cough as needed within that discussion? Why title the book and spend the entire first section of the book focusing on the symptom only to undermine both of those by focusing on the underlying heart of the matter for the entire rest of the book? Why not get the focus straight from the get-go and deal with the symptoms throughout as well... as symptoms, not as the central, but not primary, problem? I found this continued bifurcation of focus to be distracting as I read.

And yet, I think Tripp has some excellent things to say as well. I do agree that the root of relational problems often has far more to do with our attitudes, our need to be right, and the sense that we are in control of our lives than what words we use or how we couch them. In disagreements we often approach the other person as the enemy, rather than seeing the disunity or anger as the enemy and both our self and our supposed opponent as the victims. Christians in particular are keen to use the Bible as a weapon against our own spiritual family rather than applying it as a balm to heal the wounds that divide.

Right relationships come about when we also have a right understanding of ourselves. If we think that we know more, know better, and act better than those around us, it's quite likely that we'll have a fair bit of disunity (within our family, our workplace, our congregation, etc.). But if we are willing to take an honest look at ourselves, acknowledge our own faults, accept the help others are willing to give to change our attitudes or our behaviors, then we can grow, and change, and heal. It boils down to recognizing that we are not divine. We are not God. We don't know it all. And even when we're right about an issue, lording that rightness over another does more harm than good. It's not just our knowledge or beliefs that must be accurate, but our attitudes as well. If we cannot speak the truth in love, then we'd best just shut up until we can.

Tripp says that "our words should bring God the glory he deserves. And second, our words should bring redemptive good into the lives of the people God has placed around us." In other words, we should love the Lord our God with all our heart and love our neighbor as our self. As Christians, we should be ambassadors for God who help to bring about God's redemptive purposes, rather than ambassadors who act as agents of wrath - wrath that wells up our of our own selfishness. God is not a tool in our lives that we can wield to get our own way. In fact, entirely the opposite is true. Jesus said, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." We're not known to be Jesus' disciples because we're right, or our opinions are shown to be better, or we act more godly than other people. We're known to be disciples because we are people who, even in difficult relationships -- like with our enemies -- operate with an attitude of love.

So in the end I think I'd recommend this book. But if you're going to skim at any point, I'd suggest skimming the first three chapters. This book challenges some of the standards attitudes and opinions within the church (at least the church in America) and in that regard I think it makes a good book for discussion. The evangelical American church is rather known for being arrogant, self-righteous, and unforgiving. As Tripp says, "It is never okay to communicate in ways that contradict [God's] message, methods, and character." (Which sounds very much like what Os Guiness said as well.) And yet Christians frequently do exactly that. Until we get to the heart of the matter, I think Christians will continue to be arrogant and bitter ambassadors for a God who is neither.

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Quotes from the book

"Winning the war of words means living with eyes open, aware not only of our own struggle, but of other pilgrims struggling on the journey with us."

"Paul says, 'Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently....' Let's be sure we understand these words. Notice first that Paul does not say, 'If you catch someone in a sin...' He is not talking about sneaking up on someone to catch him in the act! Rather, he is talking about how we as sinners get 'caught' -- that is, entrapped and ensnared in sin."

"Self-indulgent, sin-indulgent talk contradicts our identity as the children of grace."

"Gentleness doesn't mean compromising the truth. Rather, it means keeping the truth from being compromised by harshness and insensitivity."

"When we are wronged, the thing of highest importance is not that we feel satisfied or avenged, but that we respond according to God's plan and for his glory."

"We seem to forget that, really, there is only one enemy -- and it is not the person being confronted! The purpose of confrontation is not to stand against the person, but to stand alongside him, pointing out the things God wants him to see, confess, and forsake."

"The lack of forgiveness causes us to fight God rather than submit to him and causes us to stand against rather than with one another."

"Truth is the casualty when I love myself more than I love you."